breaking news: wild animals spotted at local shopping centre

For the past few weeks all 3 of my kids have refused to go in the pram when we're at the shops, out and about etc. I'm pretty over it. No one in the pram means 3 kids running, constantly, in three different directions. It also means everything in reach is touched, climbed on, pulled down, played with etc. I also cop many looks of disdain from other people re my 'uncontrollable children'. Funnily enough its the other parents that are the worst with the dirty looks. Seriously.

Today we went to get a script filled and a little something for Fathers Day. We got into Target and the kids were into everything. They were running, quite literally, through the store and going into every aisle. They were bringing me things, shouting out 'Mummy, I want this', I could hear things crash onto the ground, I could hear people tutting and sighing and knew it was aimed at my kids. No matter how many times I asked or told them to come and stay with me, it was pointless - I was ignored. I offered donuts in an attempt to get some good behaviour and that too was an epic fail. I was getting more and more flustered, shopping was a waste of time so I decided to call it quits. I told the kids we were going and Monkey Man and Missy Moo came with me, Little Miss however decided to ignore me and continue pulling books down. I took the 'walk off and leave her' approach... she wasn't even bothered and continued pulling books down! She didn't even notice I left her! Gah!!! I grabbed her and we left the store with her under my arm, screaming her head off.

We headed to donut king for a snack and a rest before heading to the chemist. The kids devoured a few donuts and a milkshake each, there was sprinkles and icing bloody everywhere and trying to get them to stay seated for more than 2 minutes at a time was near impossible. Before I knew it they were climbing all over the bench seating nearby where people were minding their own business. Monkey Man was pulling things out of other peoples shopping bags and Missy Moo was seconds away from patting an old man on the head. It was time to go. I rounded everyone up and we started heading towards the chemist. A tantrum started from one as I told her to get out of the fountain just as another started crying because I yelled to stop at the crossing rather than walk straight onto the road. Now, it was time to go - home! I told them the outing was over and we were going home. All three started screaming now and continued to scream all the way down the travelator. There was filthy looks coming at me from all directions. As we entered the carpark, Little Miss decided to sit down in the middle of the road and refused to get up. I had three screaming children and traffic was officially stopped. I had no choice but to pick her up, kicking and screaming and haul all three to the car. Everyone continued to scream as I strapped them into their seats and I could feel my blood pressure rising with every squawk.

I snapped. Totally lost it. All the way home (a whole two minutes drive) I went on and on about how that was it, no more freedom at the shops and it was back into the pram for every outing from now on. I told them how embarrassing it is when they carry on like they do in public and how I don't understand why they can't be good. I ranted and raved. I went on and on and on and on. You don't want to know what I said. . . There was steam coming out of my ears and my head was pounding. The kids were silent and listened to me raving. I think they were a little stunned to be honest and writing about it now, I'm a little embarrassed that I went off the way I did. They're just 2,3 and 4. I think maybe my expectations are too high and I need to accept their limitations. I also need to assert that I am the boss and they're not ready to roam free in the shops just yet, and thus we won't be selling the pram anytime soon. Little Miss asked me this evening if I was 'still angry mummy?' - yep, the guilt just went up a notch.

If people think I enjoy chasing my kids everywhere, picking up after them all the time and telling them to constantly stop it, come here, get down, put that down, get up off the floor... well they think wrong. It's bloody exhausting and stressful.  I can do it at home so why the hell would I want to do it in public too?  I would just love them to walk with me in the shops and let us get on with the errands we need to run. I know they're kids, I'm happy to factor in toilet breaks, food breaks, toy stops etc... I just want them to behave, a little. Please???

At what age did your kids graduate from the pram? At what age did they learn to behave and stay with you in the shops? Am I the only one with crazy wild children?

never give a 4yo weapons

Monkey Man is obsessed with ninja turtles and superheroes. He wants to be batman or superman or spideman most of the day, and in between, in those rare down times, he'd happily be a ninja turtle. Every fcuking thing is a weapon, and I mean EVERYTHING! eg. tea towels, bags, jackets, hats, scarves, yoghurt tubs - the list goes on..... Bottom line is, the child is never to have actual weapons as I'm sure there would be an eye out or a limb broken within minutes. If anyone asked me what to get him for his birthday recently I indicated turtles etc but please no weapons. He was desperately hoping for Leo swords but sadly (thankfully) was let down. Sucks to be 4 with an opinionated mother.

He did however get a little golf set and well, you can see where this is going right?

Within minutes the clubs were disassembled, the heads taken off, and he was running around being 'Leowarno' the blue turtle with two 'swords'. There were lots of sound effects being played out as he ran, jumped, dived and crashed into everything he could. The girls were asleep so it didn't matter really, I mean smacking yourself with a plastic golf club apparently doesn't hurt when you're a ninja turtle.

Shame though that it did hurt the girls when mere minutes after they woke from their naps they were being attacked by a ninja turtle. The neighbours were no doubt thrilled by the screams coming from our backyard. Just for something different. I gave half a dozen warnings about using toys as weapons, I threatened to put them in the bin - nothing worked and then Missy Moo got a golf club square in the eye and I snapped. The clubs were picked up and thrown in the big bin while Leowarno screamed his head off and Missy Moo cried about her head hurting. I shouted the odds about weapons and how we shouldn't hurt each other and the moment was over almost as quickly as it started.  Sorry neighbours.

Later that day as I put rubbish out I felt masses of guilt seeing the golf set in the bin. It was a present after all, I mean how ungrateful was I being? They hadn't played with it that much and maybe it should be a supervision only toy? Maybe it was my fault that it all ended in tears? I took it out of the bin and left it in the backyard... next time would be different. I would keep a close eye on them and maybe encourage them to actually play golf with it.

I noticed the kids playing with it over the weekend. Of course they'd found it, nothing is sacred or secret in this house! I watched them playing turtles/superheroes whatever, once again using the golf clubs as weapons but on this occasion they weren't hurting each other.

Today though, today was another story. Today all three were smacking the bejeezus out of each other with plastic golf clubs within seconds! It was one big screaming match, tears were flowing and yet they were still smacking each other with those bloody sticks!!! I lost it. The entire kit went in the bin. The bin is collected and emptied tomorrow night and the fcuking golf kit will be gone. Apologies to my friend that gave it to the kids, I'll replace it with something less weapon-like. No more bloody golf in this house! The cricket kits he got for his birthday will also be staying packed away for the forseeable. Sorry Monkey Man.