In the past year I have lost 45kgs, or is it 47? Whatever, it's a huge amount and I don't think I give myself enough credit for this. I'm not really into bragging but some friends made me do a comparison photo timeline tonight and faced with that proof, staring back at me in full colour glory, well I was forced to acknowledge that yes I have lost weight. And I couldn't be happier.
Putting it out there, upfront. I refer to myself as a fat person because I was and am one and thus have the right to use the term. I mean no offence to anyone else.
Don't get me wrong, I am super proud of myself. I know I have lost weight. I don't think I am suffering any genuine body dis-morphia disorders but bottom line; I still see a fat person. Not in the mirror - does anyone really look at themselves in the mirror? - or in photos, just in my mind. Being honest, I am still fat, with a way to go but still, 45kgs are gone and I'll be damned if they're coming back. Hell, if someone told me they'd lost that much weight I'd be thrilled for them. I'd be saying, rather excitedly, how that's like a whole person!! Albeit a small person but yes 45kgs is a person! I'd be stoked for them. I'd know what work it takes and how bloody hard it is. Admitting how much you've lost almost means you're saying your starting weight out loud - almost. Would you get on scales in front of people? Would you stand up on national TV, Biggest Loser style, and be weighed like a circus freak? I doubt it and I know for sure I wouldn't. I won't say my starting weight but it was *ahem*, *blush*, large.
I still shop like a fat person. I still pick up my old sizes and am genuinely shocked when they're too big. In true first world problem style, I have to admit I have no idea where to shop anymore. Plus sizes, where I have been forever, are now too big for me and I'm clueless when it comes to normal sizes. What brands are appropriate for my age, my lifestyle? Could I actually walk into a 'normal' shop and find something that fits with ease? Seriously? I'm wearing clothes, PJs and underwear that is all too big for me. Why? A) I don't have the cash to replace everything, especially when I want to lose more. B) See above, no idea where to shop. C) having to buy new stuff means I have to acknowledge I have lost weight. Until now, I've been kinda happily ignoring it, saggy baggy clothes and all. I thought I'd be so excited to go shopping but truth be told its a pain in the ass at the moment, and I end up buying for my kids instead as its a shitload easier.
I'm not sure it ever goes away, the fat person in your head. I reckon once they move in they stay for life. I know for me there will be a lifelong battle with the bitch in my head. I will never be stick thin, nor do I want to be, but I am determined not to get back to obese again. I just wanna be average, and healthy enough to be here for my kids.
On the whole I just carry on, I just exist and ignore the white elephant (pun intended) in the corner of the room. Why don't we celebrate our success more? Why don't we say 'yay I did something fab' without it being perceived as showing off? I'm still not in enough photos and when I am they're badly taken 'selfies'. Is this how this chapter of my life will be remembered? Something has to change with the way people see me, the way I see myself. I need to accept my new reality and find a way to live with it in harmony, and I am quietly hoping my kids don't remember me as fat mummy. I'm happier blending into the background than I ever was standing out like a giant marshmallow.... And I need to find myself some new clothes STAT! Hello, lotto????
The timeline I mentioned: a shit load of weight gone, never to come back and a moment of 'yay me'. Bring on 2013 and getting those last kgs off! Woohoo!!
You have done so well Eliza. I have been wanting to ask how you were going with your weight loss for a while now, but didn't want to be rude, as I hate it when people ask me about my weight loss.
ReplyDeleteClothes wise I buy the basics, avoid sales where I might be tempted to get something for later in the year (ie end of season sales) and seek second hand goods. I tend to buy a few seperates that I can mix and match with things.
As for where to shop, I guess you have work covered with a uniform? I prefer classic clothes, so I buy jeans and shorts from Jeans West or Just Jeans, tops from Target, Jeans West and Just Jeans, and the odd surf brand thrown in for good measure. Every now and then I will hit up Myer for some Basque (workwear), Country Road (casuals) or JAG.
I don't think I will ever stop pulling a size 16 off the racks and being shocked when it doesn't fit. I guess it is a nice feeling compared from the days when you would pull off a size 16 and not be able to get it over your boobs/stomach. Nor will I ever look in the mirror and go "whoa, I look HOT", but I am able to look in the mirror now and go "I look much better than I did last year".