Thursday, 24 May 2012

come on down to feral town

It's a rainy, shitty miserable day here today which means feral children. Not for you? Lucky you. Weather like today means my kids go absolutely stir crazy and destroy the house. This is how my day has gone so far

We attempted to get out of the house for 10am to attend a 'biggest morning tea' at daycare. Seconds before we walk out the door, Little Miss manages to fill her nappy, her pants and her socks.

Nappy explosion dealt with we load the car and head out. Have to park across the road as the carpark is full and then scream repeatedly at both Monkey Man and Missy Moo to stop as its a road not an indoor play centre.

Morning tea starts, all the kids are playing outside and only the mums and nannas are inside. Except my kids. My toddlers are standing at the food, in pole position, stuffing their faces like starving african children at an all you can eat buffet. After many apologies and explanations that yes they have eaten this year. I attempt to pull them away multiple times but its useless, they're in food trances. Wish I'd worn make-up to help disguise the redness in my face and am grateful they dont look like me. Although this is useless as everyone knows me (that poor/crazy lady with 3 under 3). I also forgot my wallet thanks to the poonami as we left the house so I'll now be known as the tightarse crazy lady with a million kids.

Attempt to leave the morning tea and its raining. Attempt to get two toddlers across the road quickly but it takes ten times as long as we have to stop to touch everything sparkly/shiny/dirty/remotely interesting looking. 3x fairly soaking children by the time we get to the car.

Get all 3 down for a sleep at once, am feeling very very gloaty and smug for all of a second, I mean just call me super mum. Missy Moo then wakes just after an hour, screaming as she's still tired and bursting my bubble. She wakes everyone up. Cue three screaming children and me wondering how quickly I can swig a bottle of wine?

Domestic #55 for the hour starts because his cup is greener than hers. He then throws said cup at her head and the screaming is deafening. I can't remember what the kids were doing at this stage.

Little Miss wants to crawl so desperately but cannot work it out so her whinging and frustrated grunting is rather vocal this afternoon. Not to mention she is cutting another tooth and is at the end of a nasty gastro bug.

2 out of 3 kids are playing nicely with something - who and what I can't remember but its irrelevant - and #3 decides its not interesting enough so starts snatching, throwing, hiding toys of the minute. Smack here + hair pulled there + toys thrown here = 3x screaming kids in seconds. This happens at least 15 times in about 30 minutes.

World War III breaks out over tiny teddies, apparantly his teddies have more broken limbs than hers and thats 'not fair mummy' so he takes her teddies, she cries, throws her bowl of remaining teddies and everyone is screaming. And I'm vaccuuming the floor for the 4th time today.

Some fcukwit keeps ringing here with a thick accent and despite me telling him ten times he has the wrong number, he keeps ringing. Next time he rings I'm handing the phone to chatterbox Monkey Man and he can deal with him.

Toys are all over the shop, empty toy boxes are being used as helmets in what can only be described as toddler demolition derby and although I have said stop it, someone is going to get hurt over and over again, they've both just crashed while looking out from under their boxes and the screaming is once again high pitched.

Missy Moo is screaming 'my phone' over and over again, loud and proud because Monkey Man has taken her phone. He has the EXACT same one but for some reason has to have hers. And yes she could play with his replica but no, she wants 'myyyyyy phhhoooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnne'

I think I might go down a bottle of wine and stick my head in the oven. Maybe if I did, my version of motherhood could be more like this??

Whoever said this stay at home gig was all coffees and daytime tv and lunches with friends, and play dates with other magical children was a fcuking liar and I want to punch their face in.



  1. What a shitty day, but thanks for sharing, it makes me realise my bad day wasn't the only one. :)


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